


Going the Distance

by 8Verity8



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Crying, Emotions, First talk after all... that, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post Season 1 Aftermath, Sappy moments, Swearing, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-20 22:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20682932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8Verity8/pseuds/8Verity8
Summary: Michael and Alex sit down and talk about all the shit that went down (at the end of Season 1).Michael Guerin Appreciation Week Day 2: Distance





	Going the Distance

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd... all errors are mine.
> 
> These boys both had a lot to say, it's not my fault! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here Alex,” Michael forces out past the lump in his throat. God, he’s fucked up so bad this time. He doesn’t even know if they can come back from this. Alex had said he was good at giving him reasons to walk away, and fuck if he hadn’t done exactly that—again—the minute it looked like things might finally be working out for them.

“It’s fine,” the reply sounds distant, automatic, and Michael recognizes it for the platitude it is. He can see the walls slamming down as Alex schools his expression into the careful mask he’s perfected over the years, the one that doesn’t give anything away. But Michael knows him too well to buy the story, to buy the lie and he’s not going to take the easy way out this time.

“No. It isn’t Alex,” he tells him, taking a deep, shuddering breath before plowing on. “You put yourself out there. I had some shit going on, it really _was _a bad time, I wasn’t lying about that, but I told you to come back and I should have been here. Even more shit went down afterwards and all I could think about was how much I wanted you there and then how much I wanted to see you and to tell you everything… I _want_ to tell you everything Alex—I _need_ to—but I also need you to just listen for now or I don’t think I’m going to make it through this.”

He paused, looking hard at Alex, asking him silently if he was going to give him that. If he did maybe, just maybe, they could get through this without it turning into another fight.

“Please just let me say everything I need to say, no interruptions, I need to get it all out and I don’t know if I’ll be able to if I don’t do it all at once. And then, when I’m done, it will be your turn. You can tell me whatever, you can tell me to fuck off if you want. Whatever you need, and I’ll listen too, okay?”

“Okay,” Alex nodded, leaning back in his chair. The light from the fire lit up his face, highlighting his cheekbones and making his eyes dance. Michael swallowed, overwhelmed by how beautiful he was. God, he had to fix this, he had to make this right.

“First, I want you to know that everything I said back in Caulfield was a lie. It hurt so much to say it, but I couldn’t let you die. I love you Alex, I’m _in love_ with you. I have been since we were teenagers, and fuck, I probably always will be. No matter what. But, I’m also a fucking mess right now. I want to make things work. I _want _to stop running away. But I need time. Time to work through all this shit inside my head so I don’t end up hurting you even more, or fucking everything up, if I haven’t already.”

Alex leaned forward like he was going to say something but stilled when Michael held his hand up. He relaxed back into the chair with a sigh, clearly unhappy but gestured for Michael to continue anyway.

“You were right,” Michael began softly, leaning forward to brace himself on his knees and looking into the flames. “The blood was mine. After Caulfield, after losing my mom, I thought that Noah was the last chance to get answers. I was… I was an idiot. Max tried to stop me, but I did it anyways, I let him loose and—” Michael paused to take a deep, calming breath, willing his heart rate to slow as he relaxed again. “I attacked Max when he tried to stop me, and he _still_ saved me when… after Noah slit my throat.”

Michael looked up at the sharp intake of breath, “Not yet,” he reminded Alex. “You can say anything you want, once I get it all out, that was the deal.”

Alex glared at him as he raked a hand through his curls, messing his hair up even further. “So yeah, I was dying, bleeding out on the floor, thinking this is it, this is how it all ends. And I wished you were there just so I could see you again, but I was so glad you weren’t because god, who needs to see that… and then Max healed me. And then we had to stop Noah. We had to fix my mistake. Fuck Alex, I’m the one who let him out! I couldn’t even stop him in the end, that was Max. He killed him and it… it made him go all power mad or something.”

He sighed again, looking down at his hand as he remembered that night, in the cave. “But that’s not even the worst part. Noah had Rosa. In a pod, alive somehow, barely, but still. And Max he, I should have known he was going to do something stupid after the way he healed my hand. I told him not too, but he did it anyway. And I thought, I thought we were good, that were going to take a breather, figure out what to do about Rosa together... so I headed home. I was tired, and I just needed a break. A break from all the noise in my head, and then I was driving past the Pony, and then I was pulling in. I don’t even know why anymore. I wanted to, I don’t know, find some normalcy maybe?” 

He looked up at Alex, he was going to respect Alex enough to look him in the eye when he told him what he had to say next. “I kissed Maria,” he admitted quietly. “It was a spur of the moment thing; I don’t even know why I did it.” He saw a quick flash of pain mar Alex’s features before the mask slammed back into place. He wouldn’t have caught it at all if he hadn’t been watching him so intently. 

“I played the guitar after; the one Maria keeps on the stage for open mic night... I wasn’t even thinking, Alex. I’m sure she saw my hand, but I don’t know for sure. I ended up racing out pretty quick after that, before we had a chance to talk, I’m not even sure what she thinks of me right now. I got this feeling from Max, this big surge and then it was just like he was gone. I was trying to get a hold of Isabelle when Liz called… Max brought her back. That fucking idiot brought Rosa back and he _died_ doing it,” his voice broke as a sob ripped out of him

Alex looked like he was struggling, Michael wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to say something or because he wanted to reach out, but it was making him fidgety. Suddenly the creaking sounds from the lawn chair were all Michael could focus on, everything else fading into the background as he struggled to catch his breath.

“Breathe, Michael. That’s it, good. In… and out. And again, in… and out,” Alex’s voice broke through the haze and Michael latched on to it like a drowning man to a life raft, letting Alex pull him back to safety.

“Sorry,” Michael gasped as the panic receded.

“That’s it, just like that…” Alex continued, ignoring him. “You’re doing great Michael, just keep breathing for me,” Alex encouraged, tightening his arms and pulling Michael in closer. Michael gave in and burrowed more deeply into Alex’s warmth as he did what he was told, letting Alex ground him and calm his racing mind.

Eventually Alex pulled away, or tried to, at least. Michael gave a pitiful whine in protest and clung more tightly to his waist, not quite ready to let go. Alex’s stomach and chest pushed against his cheek as he let out a big sigh, but Michael didn’t care if he was acting pathetic right now, he wasn’t strong enough yet to let go.

“Just give me a minute—” he pleaded. 

“I can give you more than a minute,” Alex assured him. “But we need to move inside, I can’t keep standing on my leg like this.”

“Oh god, your leg,” Michael immediately jumped up, knocking the lawn chair over in the process and almost doing the same to Alex before he reached out a hand to steady him. “I’m so sorry Alex. I wasn’t thinking—"

“It’s fine Michael,” Alex reassured him, but Michael didn’t miss the clipped, measured tone of his voice. “Let’s just go inside… please.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Michael led the way into his trailer and helped Alex take his prosthetic off before they both settled comfortably on the bed.

“It’s my turn, right?” Alex asked quietly, gazing intently at Michael with an expression he couldn’t quite place. He felt dread pool in his stomach again and couldn’t help interjecting with one last apology before Alex gave him his verdict. 

“I really, _really _am sorry about the whole Maria thing. I know she’s your friend and I totally fucked up, but I swear it didn’t mean anything,” he told him in a rush of garbled words and pleading eyes.

“Really Michael, you think Maria is what I’m pissed about?” Alex asked incredulously. “I mean, yeah, I’m not thrilled about it, but not for the reasons you might think. She _is_ my friend Michael and she deserves a hell of a lot more than this. She’s not just some stop gap on your way to your happily ever after, she doesn’t deserve that, no one does—”

“I know, I’m sorry. I care about her as a friend too, I didn’t mean—”

“No. I shut up earlier and let you talk even when it was killing me to stay silent. It’s my turn now and you are going to _stop apologizing_ and you are going to _listen_,” Alex told him sternly. Michael nodded silently as Alex reached down to take his hand in his.

“You almost _died _Michael; do you get that. Do you get what that would have done to me, _would _do to me if I lost you?” Michael made a pained sound but kept his mouth shut as Alex continued. “You’re not disposable Michael, but you keep acting like you are, like no one is going to miss you or mourn you if you’re gone. And I, fuck! I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you! You are everything to me Michael, _everything_! I love you so fucking much, and you just keep throwing yourself into harm’s way like it’s not going to affect anyone but you!”

Alex paused, covering his face with his free hand as he composed himself again while Michael just lay there, stunned. He hadn’t thought about it, not really. I mean, he knew on an intellectual level that Max and Is would miss him if something happened, but he was so used to being the disposable one in the group, he wasn’t sure if he knew how to reshape his thinking. But god, he would try for Alex, if that’s what it took to take away the pain that Alex was carrying around, the pain that he had caused.

“Look, I know our timing always seems to suck,” Alex continued shakily. “We never seem to be on the same page at the same time, and I know I’m to blame for a lot of that. I’ve hurt you, my family has hurt you and I swear to god I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you’ll let me.” 

Michael tried to protest that Alex had nothing to do with what his family had done, that it wasn’t his fault, but Alex covered his mouth with his hand, and it came out all muffled.

“You really can’t keep your mouth shut, can you?” he teased, arching an eyebrow at Michael who shook his head in chagrin and mumbled an apology against Alex’s hand. “You are so lucky I love you,” Alex murmured with a smile.

“Yes, I am,” Michael agreed, nipping at Alex’s hand where it was still pressed lightly against his mouth.

“Cut that out Guerin,” Alex warned. “We’re not going there tonight. You said it yourself, you need time so we can get this right.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to do this without you either,” Michael murmured. “I need to work through some things, yeah. And I _do _need time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need you too. It’s not like I want to go and see other people or avoid you. I want _you, _but I want to get things right this time. I don’t want to fuck everything up because we fuck too much and talk too little, you know? You’re too important, _this _is too important.”

“Okay,” Alex said, a small smile lifting the corner of his lips as he watched Michael.

“Okay?” Michael questioned. “That’s it, just okay?”

Alex rolled his eyes at Michael and finally lost the stoic look he had managed to keep up for most of the night. “Fine,” he said with a grin. “How about this. I am madly in love with you Michael Guerin, I have been for over 10 years now and I know I always will be. You’re my person, the one who makes me light up inside just because you’re you and you’re here. I want everything with you. I want to take things slow and get everything right, I want to take things fast and just be, because I know you’re it for me. Honestly Michael, I don’t care how we do it as long as I get you in the end and for always.”

“Wow, that was one of the sappiest things I’ve ever heard,” Michael said breathlessly. “Do it again,” he ordered with a bright smile that lit up his eyes, he was so happy he wouldn’t be surprised if he was glowing with it.

Suddenly Alex lips were on his and he let out a desperate moan, eagerly leaning into the kiss. But then, just as abruptly, Alex pulled away with a curse and a muttered apology.

“Fuck, why are you stopping?” Michael growled, already leaning closer so he could taste Alex again.

“Slow, yeah?” Alex panted. “You wanted to take things slow…”

“Fuck!” Michael muttered, burrowing into Alex’s side and settling for a cuddle instead of a kiss. “You’re right, we need to do this right, but maybe we could compromise a bit.”

“What did you have in mind?” Alex chuckled breathlessly. It made Michael feel a bit better knowing Alex was just as affected as he was.

“Well, we’ll still do the whole ‘talking and getting to know each other’ thing before we jump back into all the sex stuff… but _maybe _we don’t have to take that part of our new relationship _that _slowly. Maybe we can speed up the process, so to speak.”

“To be honest, I don’t really know what a normal ‘get to know you’ period looks like, anyways. And we still have a lot of outside, real life shit to deal with too… so let’s just say we play it by ear. Get to know each other better, no secrets, no lies, and we’ll see how it goes.”

“Wait, does this mean you’re my boyfriend now?” Michael asked, ducking his head to hide his grin in Alex’s shirt.

“Yeah,” Alex replied. “We have a lot to work on still but… I think I like the sound of that.”


End file.
